Return of the Barnicle

Barnicle: 

Common name of sedentary crustacean animals constituting the subclass Cirripedia.

                                        

You are lost, in a puddle

of self sacrifice, of self sabotage,

of insecurities as large as

an asteroid crater

Your self respect lies

Like road kill, on a busy highway

How I want to shake you

Believe in you

Shine you up

like Aladdin's Lamp

Release the Ginny so that

You can manifest magic

Your eyes so warm

Your eyes so sad

You have forgotten how accept love

Even when it stares you right in the face

You have neglected yourself

and your kids suffer

Fear, I wish I could take a washcloth

Warm and wet and wipe this away with gentle strokes

It is pity, I want sexy

I want to see you in your dignity

to own it, like a fire hydrant

on a sweltering day

Quenching the parched pavement, putting out the fires

You want to to do good,

be good, be kind be a spark

I can't save you from this need

that is larger then a Christmas float in November

How can you so repel me

and reel me in like the moon's drag on earth's shore

like inhaling a cigarette

Like a vacuum cleaner hose

Can it be, you are not thinking as much as

feeling, needing, fumbling

Yet you call those thoughts

And I am affected

If only I say the right things

You will shine, you will soar

you will heal.

I am still not sure

what you want and don't want

From me, form life

And why I care so much

As if you sitting

on a park bench

Alone, in the fall

And everything around you

is grey and brown.

what I learnt from a breast cancer scare

It left me fragile

vulnerable

there is a cost to being strong

I found it hard to reach out

ask for support

I am aware, some support

is toxic

it's hard to know what or who

won't be 'helpful'

even when they don't mean it

I fond my heart

now it feels, awakened

it's looking for a mate

but not while this was going on

not until the need was unleashed

my desirability

became a question

rebalancing that

become

my center

I hate worrying my friends and family

I preferred keeping this to myself

but the affect of that was

painful for them

What I learnt from a breast cancer scare;

I'm not willing to give up on my dreams

it brought out the warrior in me

the fighter

What I learnt from a breast cancer scare;

I am open to love now

I am a warrior for my dreams

It is the gift

I am cancer free

Dark Daffodils

Dark Daffodils

are shutting the door

to say goodbye

forever more

to darkness

from far away

I hear the call

you are the one

my wonder all

consuming, distracting,

enveloping

I dust my shelves

my books I straighten

My clothes I fold

I am not mistaken

the place where I feel you

lies in the center of my being

by inspiration, I am caught cleaning

To call you forth

to conjure you to me

For ever more, as always

yours

Time dilates, I radiate

I walk about, without a doubt

I'm over here, you're under there

Love is a concept, I breath and stare

at springs renewal

the birds song

of southern cold winds

your head rings

I am waiting, still waiting

For you

I cannot say goodbye

I cannot stop this

I swim in the ocean of your essence

I am helplessly lost, imagining your lips

forever more, as always

yours

This bliss is painfully close to the matter

This call is like madness, to love, not to spatter

to trust what's in front

not plan

not falter

our guides tell us it matters

to climb the ladder

for love

cross the oceans

for love

clean the mess, do your taxes, make the bed

for love

for ever more, as always

yours.

You Have to Feed the Fish

You Have to Feed the Fish

My heart is landing somewhere

I am listening to the walls

So I float through a door

in my search

what are the whispers saying?

I am adrift on this raft, out at sea

so alone, so isolated, without comfort,

Will I find the port in the storm

match the missing mitten on a cold day

remember the galoshes or the muddy puddles

I have an intense hunger

it says,

You have to feed the fish, you have to water the plants.

The alarm goes off and one can press reset

sleep a little longer,

but in the end you get up to face the day, when

your love has flown its migratory path half way around the world it needs to rest,

it needs a soft landing.

It wants to exhale,

to build a home,

every twig of experience gathered with care

Finding the right tree,

singing a duet to greet the morning sky

nurturing enough to perch perfectly and see past the trees

I need to go into the place

where I dismantle the need

find that place

Find the power

You're controlling it and I exclaim:

Are you kidding me?

I am a tropical fish

delicate but sturdy

I need constant flow, a soft current

I need warm waters and food and care

Fed by your gentle fingers, gentle, strong, consistent

How could I loose something I never really had

as I reach out,

I don't want it to slip though those fingers

meant for touching, caressing

I hold onto the idea,

but watch the space begin to grow, neglect

stretching the nuances, a distraction

like the drilling bit lost in the concrete

fantasy, of the You and the I finding each other

I'm lucky to feel this love, I'm lucky

to feel anything

really. I want you to explore the

terrain of my heart and plant your flag,

and stake a claim, pierce

me, possess me, then tether me and

I will always find my

way back home.

Beautiful

Beautiful

Beautiful, delicious, joyous

my yearning swells my heart

baths me in a swath of light, flight and love

one

the one

the oneness

the onenessity

vibrating vibration, sending out the splashing

my turbulence

needs the corporal self

needs human warmth

galaxies of wonder

dimensions of bliss

energies dancing without form

the light so light, light, so light

I measured up,

I stepped up,

I offered my out stretched heart

I opened up,

I trusted up,

I believed

in this magnificent fountain

in the warmth of the sun radiating

in the pleasure of loving freely

send it out, pass it around, don't keep it for yourself

bath in it

ride the waves

trust like the wind

have faith like the rain

endure like the horizon

primed for it

an opus to the divine

the eternal swelling of the infinite

galactic, noble, gracious

beautiful

Daffodils, Fiddleheads, Dandelions

Daffodils, Fiddleheads, Dandelions

The voices beg me to go deeper, reach cleaner, yearn closer

I dream of a spectacular love, I dream of another life, I dream of transformations and hugging, sensual bliss and being at peace. Searching the forest floor for mushrooms and fiddleheads, wild garlic and fantom fairies, I begin to repeat myself, leaving echos, leaving footprints, leaving words, dropping stitches. So I wake up, this dream inside the dream. This river inside this spiral arm of the cosmic wind, gently pushes each galaxy to collide, to slide, to beckon, to borrow. The spotty night sky, inside the looming spiders in the corner sway to the saved messages on your answering machine. Spring brings rainbows to bless the union and quench the thirst of the rich soil, spring celebrates with Daffodils and lilies and young nettle to feast and sting. Spring also invites fiddleheads and dandelions, coaxing their transformation, encouraging the energy to Blossom, Bloom, Banter. I did not hold your hand, but you did hold out yours to me in the most chaste and gentlemanly fashion, endearing myself, imprinting the impression of warmer weather and summers approach. I beckon my open heart, but I'm careful with my Body language. I nestle into the corner of your heart, but I am only visiting, the cold earth has yet to be planted. It's too much, to young, too far, too complicated, to be real.

All I wish for is the life of living real love.

All I love is real while wishing for a life well lived.

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An Ode to You

The landscape of my soul.

The geography of my heart.

My heart has a natural spring to its step.

A Natural Spring, its aquifer deep,

it trickles to the surface, sometimes its a spring, a coil, a spiral of tension,

held back, usually un-activated, dormant with stored energy,

it does not self rotate, it imitates independent will, although that could be misleading

It does not have its own torque

What are the triggers, I'm sure to discover there are key words and emotional spatter

part of my brain feeds on the energy of speculation

speculation leaves me impulsive

so concentration begins to erode

chemicals are now racing through my nervous system for hours

influencing my focus, meshed, vulnerable

I want to make plans, take planes, plot, preen

bask in plausible pleasure,

and play

The delight in speculating our souls mission

the promise, the hint of your expression on my body

Today is a new day

the rain cold and unrelenting

feeding the spring, earth releasing a sleepy haze

my brain has pirroetted

A critical mass, an energy signature

each step releases the combination

until I begin to think in terms of

"You and I', we, us, till the next time

till you call, till we see each other

I run it through my head,

it feels like I could go there, to the love Den, if I wanted a lover.

I do not want a lover or anything resembling reruns of Karma unresolved.

A heart that matters to me,

someone resolved to love me straight to my soul, swept off my feet

the ground and earth call,

the planting and seedlings of spring

Spring.

the season of rebirth,

bathed in this appreciation of the possible delight of an impossible union

I feel the warmth of the sun getting stronger, lasting longer,

like the heavens trying harder, my tenderness like soft new foillage,

my vulnerability like ferns turning into fiddle heads,

my willingness like Dandilions, willing the yellow to turn into feather like ideas, that disperse

You do not want me the way I don't want others

who come hopeful at my door and I reject politely

You do not desire me the way I feel repelled by the attention of the right sort who could love me and bore me to death

let it go, let it go

let it go

It's spring.